This is Love. It is always here, always streaming toward you, never diminishing, always loving you – All you have to do is open to it. Receive it. This will heal you.
I was driving my 9yr. old daughter home from the dentist (she was sleeping on the seat beside me) and we came to the crossing and I didn’t see the train emerging from a bank of trees. We hit the second engine, (narrowly missed being hit by the train). I remember how slowly things happened when it became apparent that I couldn’t stop in time…I put my arm in front of my daughter’s body to brace her and remember thinking, with humor, how futile and divinely human that gesture was in the face of what was about to happen. Then we hit…I was looking at the train at the moment of impact and literally bit the steering wheel 3 times, (although I don’t have any memory of it), embedding my teeth in it, some of them jammed back into my jaw in all the wrong places. I only experienced the kind of ‘black out’ that I’ve had when bumping my head hard on a cupboard door…I didn’t go unconscious.
I immediately tried to get my daughter off the floor where she’d been thrown and was unconscious but my hand wouldn’t work. I looked at it and felt no pain but remember thinking ‘oh, that’s going to hurt’. Then she woke up and crawled up onto the seat and was crying and every time I’d reach to comfort her she’d scream and turn away, saying “Is it a dream, Mommy”, sobbing. I told her it was real but we would be okay. I finally looked at myself in the rear view mirror and understood her horror…I looked like a ghoul.
I leaned my head on the steering wheel and thought to myself…’I don’t want to deal with this’ and whoosh, suddenly I was above and outside of the car ‘standing’ next to a being of light. Even though the train was still hurtling by there was no sound. This being of light had the suggestion of a body and face but nothing definitive. Still, it felt masculine for some reason. It was beautiful. It didn’t, nor did I, speak in sentences or with voices. Whole thoughts were conveyed with complete understanding. I was ‘told’ that it was my choice to live or to go on to the next thing. “Next thing” are my words. In the thought exchange it was an image that is impossible to describe.
Then, I was shown the essence of my life up to that point (not little scenes rolling by, it was my life distilled). (There is no judgment. Showing me the essence of my life was not for judging, but more like information since I was deciding to stay or move on. We judge. No other thing is judging us. It’s interesting to live life as the best human I can be without the belief that ultimately I meet the Great Judge. I’m my judge.) There was no judgment surrounding it…it just WAS this life…there was no judgment surrounding the choice I would make one way or another.
The ‘going on’ was soooo enticing…I could feel myself yearning for that. And then I remember looking down at the car, looking through the windshield at my daughter sobbing on the seat as far from my body as she could get. In retrospect the next part felt weird…but only later when I thought about it with all of my judgments securely in place again. Looking at her then, all I saw was this lifetime already in place with this other soul. In that moment she wasn’t my daughter. There was nothing maternal in the choice I made and there, again, was no judgment, not even from me. I decided to live this life and at once the light being was taking me someplace…we were ‘moving’ through a vastness (I have no other word for it) and it is at this point that language doesn’t work.
The vastness wasn’t empty yet it was. We arrived at what the being said (with a wave of his arm, the first time he used it) was Love. “This is Love. It is always here, always streaming toward you, never diminishing, always loving you. All you have to do is open to it. Receive it. This will heal you. (In that moment, I thought it was about my body healing…and it was but it was also about so much more and I learned this in the years following this experience.) I have never found a way to truly describe what I saw there and resort to the only explanation I can give for something that defies our limited language. LOVE was boundless yet contained, no color and all color, nothing and all things, it was tangible, dense, mysterious, light. It was everything and nothing. It was an actual presence but not personality. It was all shape and no shape. I felt so joyous in the most peaceful quiet way…very grounded and accepting.
Then suddenly I was back in my body, lifting my head off of the steering wheel, turning my face away from my terrified daughter (who, by the way, only needed a total of 11 stitches for her wounds!), and started focusing on my breathing. I could ‘see’ my breath moving through my body and then was ‘told’ to not swallow anymore blood but to spit it out which I did.
I tried to open my door but couldn’t and tried to climb into the back seat in order to get us out of the car, which was dangerously close to the still moving train, but couldn’t move my legs (turned out my hip was broken). Finally the train stopped moving and after some time the conductor or man from train came racing up to the car and asked me if I was okay! Inside I was laughing at that question and I don’t remember my answer. He said he was going to run down the road to a house on a hill, about 1 mile away, and use their phone to call an ambulance. He left.
I could feel myself starting to lose body warmth and an odd sort of distant pain began to come on. Suddenly a car pulled up and this giant woman wearing a long wool coat got out. She peered in at my daughter then came around to the driver’s side and asked me “What can I do to help you?” I asked her to take care of my baby. She walked around the car again, removing her enormous coat, opened the door, scooped up my daughter, wrapping her in the coat then slid into the passenger seat and held my daughter facing away from me and crooned “It’ll be alright, Baby” over and over, kissing the top of my daughter’s head, rocking gently and my daughter stopped crying.
I went back to breathing and spitting blood. I don’t know who that giant woman was or where she came from…no one seemed to know about her although she was there when the police and ambulance arrived. When the EMTs took my daughter, the woman left.
When the EMTs got us to the small town hospital, the doctor called my mother (in a different state) and told her I was going to die and there was nothing he could do. The EMTs packed me back into the ambulance and made a one hour trip in thirty minutes to a larger town and hospital where I didn’t die. And for the record through all of that I knew with certainty that I wouldn’t die. Aside from a continued heightened awareness and consciousness that lasted for several days, that is the story of my near death experience.
I would like to add that I ended up terribly depressed returning to my life exactly as it had been. I think I was so changed yet none of the circumstances of my life had changed…I still had to deal with what I had created for myself prior to the accident. I was after all just another soul living the earth experience and evolving. (rather slowly) And it took me forever to figure out why it was so depressing. I think, unconsciously, I expected that amazing experience to magically transform the actual circumstances of my life, not just me. 36 years later I think it has. LOVE flows and all we have to do is receive. The intensity of that experience has never dimmed.